It’s been a bit quiet here on the site recently — but the book is now in my publisher’s hands and hopefully I’ll have an estimated book release date soon.
This book was the hardest thing I’ve ever done — times ten. And if you’ve followed this blog for a while, you already know that in my life, I’ve done some really hard shit. But of all my accomplishments, nothing compares to the level of commitment, clarity, and grit required by this project.
It challenged me in every possible way. It took everything I had. Over the past six months, I poured everything I had — mentally, physically, and emotionally — into this manuscript and in exchange it gave me something bigger, bolder, wiser, and stronger. All along I thought I was bringing it to life but really it was bringing me to life.
And so now I’ve entered the “After”. Since finishing the book, I’ve been understandably relieved but there’s also been something else in there — something that isn’t so easily explained and put into words.
My life has started to drift back into the way it was before … but it feels off. For months, I’ve craved the return to the normalcy of my life. But now that I’ve arrived here, it feels unfamiliar – even foreign – to me. Something’s different … I’m different. As with all major growth experiences in life, the process changed me. And integration back into my life as it was has been difficult. I find myself wondering “why don’t I feel normal yet?”
We talk a lot in yoga about the concept of contentment and how it relates to our outer circumstances. But what about the inner experience? What are you supposed to do with the feelings you don’t want to have, or that you don’t understand, or can’t describe? Can you be content with what you find in these moments of your life? Can you speak about it in a way that doesn’t make you feel shame about your own humanity?
Not everything you feel and experience can be explained because humans aren’t concrete mechanical beings. You can be both excited about the direction your life is going and still be sad for the loss of what was once so familiar to you.
So for now, my practice is in holding the experience of these feelings that I can’t yet reconcile as tenderly as possible. Releasing the self-judgment and making space for me to feel this way — even while I’m not sure exactly what it is that I feel or why it’s with me.
Rather than reverting to my pattern of looking for the “problem”, I’m currently exploring the possibility that tenderness is the path to transcendence. Perhaps this is the beginning of my new normal.